The Cabaret Bit

[Hi folks and welcome to a sort of Half-Time Show, a blessed relief from all this "Anarchaeology"/"...And Ruth Creased The Yellow Curtain" nonsense. It's really 'commercial', with 'jokes' and 'songs' and everything! Have we got a finger on the pulse of POPULAR LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT or what?]
 

THE HALF-TIME CABARET BIT

(Scratchy orchestral fanfare... You know how it goes! An appalling song and dance troupe, a bit like the so-called 'Young' Generation on some early seventies Rolf and/or Anita Harris summer spectacular, perform some wildly erratic tap dance routines, to an easy-listening arrangement of a popular hit of the day. The audience goes wild, obeying, without question, the cardboard instructions of a gopher or grip or summat)

BBC-TYPE VOICE OVER: (Voice off with megaphone) Ladies and gentlemen... meet your host for this evening... Light entertainments's Mister Craig Hearn!

(Signature tune of your choice... No sod it! It's my choice... A rollicking Tex-Mex rendition of "Roll Out The Barrel"! Enter Craig Hearn. He stands there grinning through his beard, looking just like Rabbithole Sam)

CRAIG HEARN: (giggling) We'll have to stop meeting like this!

(Huge amounts of prompted audience laughter - "We'll have to stop meeting like this!" is Craig Hearn's catchphrase!)

CRAIG HEARN: D'yer like the suit, eh? A genuine one-off, missus... Heh heh heh! One off the back of a lorry, heh heh heh !... (laughter) The Skelton Twins will be on in a minute, missus, and...

(Footsteps stage right, it says here... although really, it doesn't matter which side of the stage you come on... and it's not as if this book^{web page} is available in stereo... anyway, along comes Someone With A Hoover)

CRAIG HEARN: (shouting over hoover sound) Oi! What d'yer think yer doin', sunshine? Can't you see there's a show goin' on?

SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER: Sorry Guv! The producer told me to start cleaning up ready for the Miss Universe competition...

CRAIG HEARN: The Miss Universe competition? We'll have to stop meeting like this! (laughter)

SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER: (to Craig) Are you Miss Venezuela?

CRAIG HEARN: No I'm not! I'm Craig Hearn and tonight is Friday night... and "Friday Night Is Skelton Night"!

SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER: You mean the Skelton Twins are on this show? Ooh! I'd love to meet the Skelton Twins... My daughter's got all of their records... Her room's plastered with Skelton Twins posters... and she's got four goldfish... and you know what they're called?

CRAIG HEARN: Alright... What are they called?

SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER: Heh heh heh! The Skelton Twins! (audience laughter)

CRAIG HEARN: Who are you then?

(audience laughter, ripple of applause, as Someone With A Hoover reveals his true identity)

RONNIE "SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER" SKELTON: The old town looks the same!

CRAIG HEARN: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ronnie Skelton!... (applause) We'll have to stop meeting like this! Hi Ronnie!

RONNIE "SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER" SKELTON: (sophisticated) Hi Craig!

CRAIG HEARN: Where's Ronnie, Barry and Barry?

(Laughter and applause as the three remaining Skelton Twins have now arrived on stage, humming "The Old Town Looks The Same" and dressed as Miss Universe contestants)

CRAIG HEARN: And who are these three charming ladies? (laughter)

BARRY A. SKELTON: (fake American accent) Ah'm Miss America an' ah wanna be a social worker!

BARRY B. SKELTON: (phony Chinese accent) Me Miss People's Lepubric o' China and I wan'be socialist worker!

RONNIE "THE OTHER ONE" SKELTON: (assuming northern brogue) I'm Miss Barnsley and I work at t'social cloob!

(The audience wets itself with laughter)

CRAIG HEARN: We'll have to stop meeting like this! (laughter) Get these ladies off the stage, please!

(Striptease music and peels of laughter)

CRAIG HEARN: Stop the show, I want to get off! Heh heh! We'll have to stop meeting like this!

(Generous applause - Exit Craig Hearn)

BARRY A. SKELTON: Phew! It was hotter than July inside that corset! (laughter)

BARRY B. SKELTON: Y'know Ronnie... This theatre's seen some great stars on stage in its time...

RONNIE "SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER" SKELTON: Yeah, there's us for a start! (laughter and applause)

BARRY B. SKELTON: Real stars, Ronnie... people like Vesta Tilley, Ruby Murray, Tennessee Ernie Ford, The Beatles, Gerry & The Pacemakers, Thomas "Tosser" Covenant, Blagdon the Giraffe Man...

RONNIE "THE OTHER ONE" SKELTON: The good old days, Barry, when the music hall reigned supreme!

BARRY A. SKELTON: It just so happens, I've got my spoons with me... (laughter)

RONNIE "SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER" SKELTON: Let's sing then... an old number made famous by the great Joseph "Barrer Boy" Robey... "Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me A Monkey"! Barry! Whirl those spoons!

ALL OF THE SKELTON TWINS:
(singing, with spoon accompaniment)
Daddy wouldn't buy me a monkey... Monkey!
Daddy wouldn't buy me a monkey... Monkey!
I've got a stetson hat
And I'm always wearing that,
But I'd rather have a mu-hunkey!
'Ave a banana!
Eek eek!

(Stirring ovation - which is appropriate for a number featuring spoons)

RONNIE "SOMEONE WITH A HOOVER" SKELTON: Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to introduce a young man who we've known since the old days in Newbury... He's a great guy with a voice of pure silk... Put your hands together, please, for Martin Kennedy!

(Band strikes up a "funky" beat... That's Preset No 9 on your Casios, chaps! Exit The Skelton Twins to suitable applause. Enter Martin Kennedy, dressed just like the cover of "Five Million Elvis Fans Can't Be Wrong... Or Can They?")

MARTIN KENNEDY:
(sung with swing, mid-Atlantic sophisticate style)
Oom Chugaluggalugga!
Oom Chugaluggalugga!
Duh Duh Derder Der!
Oom Chugaluggalugga!
Oom Chugaluggalugga!
Duh Duh Derder Der!
Funky lady on Sunset Boulevard,
Breakdance a-gogo,
Down in the schoolyard! Duh Duh Derder Der!
She was working down in Vegas,
As a hat check girl at night,
In the Go Go Club A-Go-Go,
She was really outta sight!
Duh Duh Derder Der!
Noo Yawk! Noo Yawk!
Chicago and LA!
Airline disco hostess,
Strut your stuff okay!
Oom Chugaluggalugga!
Oom Chugaluggalugga!
Duh Duh Derder Der!
Oom Chugaluggalugga!
Oom Chugaluggalugga!
Duh Duh Derder Der!
Chuggalug Chug Chug!
Lug Lug A-Chug Chug!
(spoken) Let's fly to the moon, Funky woman! Yeah!

(Ecstatic, rupturous applause)

MARTIN KENNEDY: (smooth and slithery) Gee thanks, ladies and gentlemen! A big hand for Willie Hensard & His House Of Hooters, playing the horns on that one! ...And now to play y'all a tune from my latest waxing... It's called "Pumbo Beat Carob Song"... Take it away, boys!

(The band strike up a rousingly syncopated latin waltz-meringue rhythm)

MARTIN KENNEDY: (advanced rhythmic crooning)
Eating wasps
Is a stoopid thang
To do
Yes!
In Monte Carlo
Where the girls wear tight bikinis
And gamblers
Eat wasps
It's the thang
To do near the Mediterranean beach
They named it twice!
Yeah!

(The audience goes ape! Enter Craig Hearn, who embraces a departing Martin Kennedy)

CRAIG HEARN: (whilst audience is still clapping) That was the hottest horn-playing I've ever heard... How about that?... Martin has his first album out now, on New Berry Bipe Arse Records & Tapes... Well worth a listen!... A little bit of sophistication on a Friday night... it's called "Velvet Nights In Times Square"... and of course it features Willie Hensard & His House Of Hooters! (applause reaches a crescendo) We'll have to stop meeting like this! (laughter) I was talking our next guest in his dressing room, about an hour ago... and he said, "Craig, do you realise that on April 16th 1948, Hull Kingston Rovers won the FA Cup against Portsmouth, thirty-six to nil... The winning line-up was Smith (Goalie), Brown, Jones, Bloggs, Green, Dewston-Harkness, Flageolet, Lake, McDonald, Giles and Fripp... And you know, he was right! Ladies and Gentlemen, Television's Mister Memory - Lewis Brainleg!

(More of dat ol' applause - Enter Lewis Brainleg)

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Thank you, thank you... It looks like the Battle of Agincourt in here... That was in 1407, in France... June 12th, a quarter past three, it was a Tuesday... Henry V was wearing tennis shorts... (applause) ...Could I have three volunteers from the audience?... Three members of the audience... unknown to me... up here on stage, please?... Come up this side of the stage... which was built in 1895 by a chap called Swann, by the way...

(Enter from the auditorium, Tracey Zenzagadinski, Roland Rock and Dennis Saturn-Five, three extraordinarily ordinary members of the public)

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Hello... Thanks for volunteering... Could I have your names, please?

TRACEY ZENZAGADINSKI: Tracey Zenzagadinski, Lewis...

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Hello Tracey! Is that "Zenzagadinski" with an "I"?... Uh huh? And your name, sir?

ROLAND ROCK: Roland Rock, Lewis...

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Hello Roland... and finally?

DENNIS SATURN-FIVE: Um... Dennis Saturn-Five...

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Hello Dennis! You're not one of the NASA Saturn-Fives by any chance, are you?

DENNIS SATURN-FIVE: Um... no, Lewis...

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Ah lovely... Right, okay... Now see these large egg cup contraptions that my lovely assistant Geranium has placed on the stage?... Please could you each get under one of the cups?

(The volunteers each climb under a plastic cup)

LEWIS BRAINLEG: This is my version of the old "Find The Walnut" trick... I will now ask the three volunteers to move their cups around the stage, while Denny Travers and the boys play a few appropriate musical phrases... Denny, by the way, is an only child, his father is a dentist...

(Polite laughter. The three egg cups bump around on the stage, propelled by the victims within. The band play a few bars of the theme from the popular "Snilto The Boiled Egg" cartoon. The music stops and the egg cups line up in a suspiciously orderly manner.)

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Now stand perfectly still, while I use my amazing powers to deduce which volunteer is in which egg cup... (He taps an egg cup) Hello Tracey! You can come out now!

(Bewildered applause as Roland Rock emerges from beneath Egg Cup No.1)

LEWIS BRAINLEG: ...And what is your name, please?

ROLAND ROCK: Um.. my name is Roland Rock...

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Ah! But I believe you perform in local pubs under the name of Tracey?

ROLAND ROCK: You're right, Lewis! (applause)

LEWIS BRAINLEG: (knocking on Cup No.2) Dennis! Please come out!

(Tracey emerges from Cup No.2)

LEWIS BRAINLEG: ...And what is your name please?

TRACEY ZENZAGADINSKI: Tracey Zenzagadinski, Lewis!

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Thank you, Tracey... But it may come as a surprise to you that your mother did actually want a little boy, called Dennis... What's the name of your mother's parrot, Tracey?

TRACEY ZENZAGADINSKI: Um... Dennis?

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Thank you... Thank you! (applause) ...And of course, in Egg Cup No.3... Come out, Delia Mulholland!

DENNIS SATURN-FIVE: But I'm Dennis, Lewis...

LEWIS BRAINLEG: Ah... but my pet name for you is Delia Mulholland... A big hand for our brave volunteers, please folks... Good night... And always remember, the Duke of Clarence was born on a Wednesday.... Thank you!

(tumescent Tumultuous applause. Enter Craig Hearn)

CRAIG HEARN: That never ceases to amaze me... He's a human computer... a great guy, a great guy... Hasn't the weather been wonderful lately? I've been swimming... have you been swimming? (general murmer) I was swimming along, when I saw this bloody great sperm whale... an' he says to me "What do you get if you cross Arthur Scargill with a bread pudding?" ...and I says "I don't know, what do you get if you cross Arthur Scargill with a bread pudding?"... And the stupid great whale, he said, "I'm asking you, Craig, I don't bloody know!" (laughter) We'll have to stop meeting like this! (further laughter) Anyway, I think I ought to "Li-Lo" for a while and listen to the "sand" of music! Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Captain Fobbo & His Performing Daves!

(Enter, to massive applause, because he's very popular around here, the great Captain Fobbo. He carries a fifties-style plastic hoopla hoop and speaks in what is supposed to be a Latvian accent)

CAPTAIN FOBBO: Good evenink, famous British student audience! My name is Captain Darius Fobbo and I present the "Wonderful And Amazing World Of Dave"! Observe this hoola-hoop!

(Embarrassing pause... Eventually, enter Unpity the Hunchbacked Rag Doll, dressed in wellies, fishing hat and carrying a fishing rod. He walks up to Fobbo and whispers in his ear)

CAPTAIN FOBBO: (not comprehending) Hmmm... no... sorry? No, I do not care for your English chocolate specialities...

(Unpity once again whispers something in his ear)

CAPTAIN FOBBO: Um... Hands up, anyone called "Dave" in the audience...? (nothing)... Please step up on stage?... Music, maestro, please...?...

(Music starts, but still no one comes up from the audience. He prances around gesticulating strangely to the music - still no volunteers.) 

CAPTAIN FOBBO: (addresses sidestage) No no no! It is not working! (addresses audience) Observe this hoola-hoop!

(He does a strange mime, involving an imaginary goat being milked. The crowd goes wild, because he's very popular around here.)

CAPTAIN FOBBO: Thank you and goodnight!

(Exit Captain Fobbo to enormous applause. Enter the Skelton Twins.)

RONNIE A. SKELTON: ('sings') The old town looks the same! (applause)

BARRY A. SKELTON: (sings) We are The Skelton Twins!

OTHER SKELTONS: (singing in contradictory harmonic unison) Hmmm hmmmmmm!

BARRY B. SKELTON: (sings) And we've all got double chins!

OTHER SKELTONS: (Berber-shop) Hmmm hmmmmmm!

RONNIE A. SKELTON: (sings)
And we want to sing some songs for you,
Some very old, some very new...

RONNIE B. SKELTON: (sings)
...To bring back memories, sweet as dew...

ALL SKELTONS HEREBY PRESENT:
(sweet as yer like)
For we are
The Skelton
Twins!
Hmmm hmmmmmmm!

(Massive applause. A Skelton counts in the next rousing number.)

AN ASSEMBLAGE OF SKELTONS: (singing)
This is the dawning of the Age of Aquariouse,
Age of Aquariouse, Age of Aquariouse!
Aquariouse! Aquariouse!
Poverty and understanding,
Da da dum der dum dum!
Aquariouse!
Waddya wanna make those eyes at me for?
When you don't mean what they... Aquariouse!
You make me glad,
You made me sad,
You make me bad,
You made me mad, Aquariouse!
Aquariouse!
Seventy six trombones in the big parade,
A hundred and two cornbreads at the rear,
When they don't mean what they say!
She wore a brand new jersey,
Aquariouse!
Hmm hmmmmmmmmm!
Cragg-ed lirrapet
With pipes and chalk hargens!
Yeah babe!
And no messin'!
That centipede done got me
And bit me on the leg,
Giraffe, okapi, pangolin
A lamb called Fortesque...
There is a special snail in New Orleans
And a rhino with a neck!
I'm gonna race you to Los Angeles,
Till my gecko goes to heck
And my gello goes to hell! Aquariouse!
Hmmmm! Hmmmm! Yeah!

(Massive applause. Barry A. Skelton steps up to the microphone. Other Skeltons leave the stage)

BARRY A. SKELTON: I'd like to you to give a very warm welcome to an old friend of ours, Television's Mr Thick Custard... Cyril Teague!

(Exit Barry A. Skelton to applause. On comes Cyril Teague, dressed in East German-surplus greatcoat, fur hat and boots)

CYRIL TEAGUE: (fast and furious, like Ben Elton when he was still funny) Good evening! Good evening! Good evening! My dog's got no nose... but without more ado, here's my first impression...

(He makes very hectic swimming motion with arms)

CYRIL TEAGUE: A Russian submarine! Thank you!

(Applause - He turns his back and puts on a false clown's red nose, as worn by false clowns, and puts a pipe in his mouth. He turns to face audience and gestures in a peculiar manner of his own choosing)

CYRIL TEAGUE: Margaret Thatcher at a Harold Wilson look-alike convention! Thank you!... Bit of satire, bit of politics, bit of string!... My dog's got no nose!... Anyone in the audience from Barnsley? What do you get if you put a weasel in a bowl of meusli?.... Heh heh heh!... Stoatmeal! Heh ways carry a piece of toilet paper and some string if you travel in a taxi north of Watford!... My dog's got no nose, goodnight!

(Exit to some applause, Cyril Teague. The Skeltons come on and thank him with handshakes and showbizzy backslaps. Isn't this stuff sickening?)

BARRY A. SKELTON: (getting 'all serious' for a moment) The trouble with being identical twins is that it's difficult to tell us apart... Sometimes in the morning, I get up, look in the mirror and say "Morning, Ronnie!"... When we were kids, it was terrible... Sometimes, Mother would give one of us four haircuts and four spoons of syrup of figs... We were a big family... Father said, if we were placed end to end, we would reach from one end of Newbury High Street to the other and they'd still have to put our cousins in the multi-storey car park. (laughter)

BARRY B. SKELTON: Yeah right, Barry! Do you remember what mother did about that?

BARRY A. SKELTON: Yeah! She colour-coded us! You and Ronnie were green... and me and Ronnie were green!

RONNIE A. SKELTON: Yeah! Mother was colour blind! (laughter)

RONNIE B. SKELTON: Can you remember that song that Max taught us, when we were in Bristol?

BARRY A. SKELTON: Yeah! Let's sing it lads!

OMNES SKELTON: (sung)
Hmm Hmmmmmmm!
I'm a green toothbrush,
You're a green toothbrush,
We're all green toothbrushes... toogevvaaaahh!
He's a green toothbrush,
I'm a green toothbrush,
We must be birds of a... fevvaaaaahhhhh!
No matter what the... wevvaaaahhhhh!
We're gonna stay... toogevvaaahhh!
What evvaaahhh!
For evvvaaaahhhhh!
Hmmm!
The old town looks the same! (applause)
The old town looks the same,
As I step daahhhn from the train,
And there to meet me
Is maaaahhh mama and papa,
Down the lane I walk
And there runs Mary,
Hair of the dog
And lips like citrus fruit,
It's good to crush the green green grass of
Hooooommmmmmme! Hmmmm!

RONNIE B. SKELTON: (spoken over hummed accompaniment)
And then I awake where you found me
And see four great walls that's around me
And the Padre comes in for a game of cards,
Then they hang me...

SKELTONS ALL: (sing)
Oh! It's good to nudge the green green grass of hooommme!
Hmmmm Hmmm!

(pause for applause)

BARRY A. SKELTON: We'd like to sing our latest waxing for you now... We wrote it only a month ago, on a sunny beach in Spain... Ladies and gentlemen, our latest offering, "Señorita Will You Dance The Tango?"

LOS QUATRO SKELTONS: (sung)
Put your hands in the air!
Jump about without a care!
I've left my worries at the station!
I'm off on three weeks staff vacation!
In the sunshine,
When the sea's warm
And you don't have
To fill in a tax form,
Sipping on Bacardi rum,
Talking to your girlfriend's mum
Having fun fun fun
In the sun sun sun!
Señorita, will you dance
The tango?
In the sunshine,
Where the sea's warm,
Piña Coladas
Will make the girls swarm...
Oh girl! Will you share the pilla
In my rented Spanish villa?
Hey Hey Hey!
Cha-cha Cha Olé!
Señorita...
Will you dance
The tango?
Olé! (applause)

BARRY A. SKELTON: (spoken) El marimba della Canolta Barthalona el Denny Travers y ses Orquestra!

RONNIE A. SKELTON: What does that mean, Barry?

BARRY A. SKELTON: It means... I'm pleased to introduce Denny Travers and the band... Take it away fellas! Heh heh heh!

(The Skeltons leave the stage. The band strikes up a cornball arrangement of "The Girl From Ipanema", incorporating lots of really dumb percussion soloing. They receive a not-particularly-big round of applause... not too many 'shipyard percussion' fans in tonight. Re-enter The Skelton Twins)

BARRY B. SKELTON: (ahem... singing) The old town looks the same! (laughter)

RONNIE B. SKELTON: Heh heh heh! Let's hear it for the man with the self-concious beard, a great host and a great asset to any show... Mr Craig Hearn... Yeah!

(Enter Craig Hearn to generous applause)

CRAIG HEARN: Thanks Ronnie! We'll have to stop meeting like this! (laughter) Is that it then, lads? Is that the end of the show?

RONNIE A. SKELTON: You're the compère, Craig! It's up to you to keep this crazy show in order!

CRAIG HEARN: It would take the cavalry to keep this mob in order! Heh heh heh!

(Audience laughter - FX: Cavalry charge and trumpets from backstage - Loads of clomping feet on wooden boards)

CRAIG HEARN: Oh Ronnie! What is this?

RONNIE B. SKELTON: It's the cavalry, Craig!

(Shrieks or even sheikhs of laughter - Mad chaotic scrabbling)

CRAIG HEARN: Heh heh heh ! We'll have to stop meeting like this! Ladies and gentlemen... The inimitable Skelton Twins! Heh heh heh!

(Horrible frantic 'slapstick'/'knockabout'/'zany'/'wacky' music, as curtain goes down)

CRAIG HEARN: (from offstage, megaphonically enhanced) Tonight you have been entertained by... The "Remembering Things"-type stylings of Mr Lewis Brainleg... Cyril Teague, Television's Mr Sick Bastard... Martin Kennedy with Willy Hensard & His House Of Hooters... Music by Denny Travers and the band... Choreography by Cheryl Proby & The Foot People... Horace The Chimp, courtesy of Belle Vue Circus, Blackpool... A complete absence of Fraulein Brünhilde Krauss & Her Wonderful World Of Paper... and of course, Ronnie, Ronnie Barry and Barry.... The Skelton Twins! (continued applause)

(...and that's the end of the interludal entertainment - "Nice day for it," thought Nancy... THERE'S A WHOLE OTHER ACT TO GO YET!)