Act I Scene I

ANARCHAEOLOGY REDUX... I once again emphasize that this is/was a COLLECTIVE work (sode ont blaymee) eh-neeeee-wayyyyy... If you've read this far, you might be ready for the REALLY advanced stuff. Although it's already typed out and archived on disk in its entirety, it will need a tedious amount of HTML reformatting to make it repostable here... Nah! what do you care? Picture the scene, a room in a semi-abandoned Georgian Vicarage, sometime in the last century. A lone artist taps away at an already obsolete AppleMac LC-II keyboard, surrounded by heaps of yellowing foolscap retrieved from the depths of The Cupboard That Shall Forever Be Named 'Scary Snakes'. At some point, roughly halfway through this thankless task, he gets bored with doing so. Just to shake things up a bit, he decides to do the rest of it in the form of a PLAY. If you are familiar with Joyce's "ULYSSES", you'll remember that there is a sort of courtroom 'dream sequence' that he chose to write in 'dramatic' form... but as the characters come and go at a ridiculous pace, some of them morphing appearance every couple of lines, it would have been virtually impossible to actually stage. Well, that's the effect I was aiming for here. Although the language is probably more Finneganian than Bloomsian. I found some notes for a Gilzean play, written decades before, called "AND RUTH CREASED THE YELLOW CURTAIN" (by Shelfy? with Gold Lamé? and possibly Janet?). This seemed like a good place to start... and that forms the basis for this first scene, along with some bits from our 'space opera' called "MRS McVITIE & THE DEVIANTS FROM OUTER SPACE". There's loads more of that to come. Hey kids! It's a 'Play For Smoobs' from the very pages of my Big Unread Book! Probably The Greatest Story Ever Told, apart from The History Of Advertising...

...And Ruth Creased The Yellow Curtain
ACT I, SCENE I

(The vital first scene takes place in the library of Miguel Santa Maria El Coyote and Sharon Braithwaite. There is a Bar Mitzvah in progress. Several dwarves dance naked, chanting 'Nim! Nim! Nim!', an excerpt from 'Nim! The Musical', for several minutes before piling a ring of yummy cinnamon flavoured doughnuts centre-stage. A small bathroom curtain falls from the ceiling. No further explanation is needed. Enter Narthor with a French Mole and his Friend)

NARTHOR: For twelve hours, manic drines claw at my name! Heliosauri speak my name!

A FRENCH MOLE: Eat gladioli in a top hat full of Treacle-Substitute-In-Odour, to make a bear out of a snarling liquorice phonebooth. Light up a phonebooth, Stune Chatterbox!

(Enter with great aplomb, Desert The Mole)

DESERT THE MOLE: (using his great aplomb as a megaphone) I was losing control and the essence drifted close enough for the mole jacket to revive itself from its custard-well oven, but Satan was at tea and the children all slept well.

NARTHOR: So the squirting woodlouse has left LA, French Mole? How could we worry about tins of Cornish clotted lino?

A FRENCH MOLE: Run! We all feel we are going to be renamed by a crocodilian and are therefore doomed by all modern methods! We are all afraid!

THE FRENCH MOLE'S FRIEND: Clear as jellified shirt to Timrex Blart! An electric nettle for jollity has evaded capture for a spin-friar... and here's to an end to end all ends, for 47p a mile!

DESERT THE MOLE: Give me my dry ink tiger, that I may throw flowers to the underpassengers, leaping between the sharpened teeth of secular saws!

(Exit Narthor for a fag break. He passes The French's Friendly Moat coming the other way)

THE FRENCH'S FRIENDLY MOAT: My rabbits have a foolish plastic overall of baby-cells in their Sybillization, of more than alcoholic... My place or yours, Morris the Perforated Performer? Do you wanna see the action, Green Boy? (he falls off unicycle)

DESERT THE MOLE: (donning a trick nostril) I've been named! I've been named! Framed geels, thrall named! Apply your Elasto-Flick to any Maud-Kid!

(Exit The French's Friendly Moat, dragging bent unicycle. Enter a klern-sated Narthor with an Oatmeal Stranger)

THE OATMEAL STRANGER: You'd be surprised at the size of Schwartz... Cough two-hundred and seventy-four times into this sewer, like it's time to turn turtle in a maximum singed eyeball. Sweeter than a wrangling rose, Napalm Internatural?

DESERT THE MOLE: So Germolene burns the hairs of your Mother's harmless inhibitions? Blowtorch a skate!

NARTHOR: If the truss fits, wear it, Los Chipolatos!

(Enter Magnus The Air Delay)

MAGNUS THE AIR DELAY: Oh! Suck that thing!

NARTHOR: Marion's left her scar-tissue inhibitor mask in the brachyectoscalatron drum... she always did have weird rusty moorhens 'round her face-puppet!

(Enter Mount Aileron, shrouded in a cape of plastic bottles, reading from his Latrinotes)

MOUNT AILERON: I'm a forced entry in a leggin... I cannot wear a one-piece saxophone, like I'm built of pre-formed nightingales!

DESERT THE MOLE: Paranoid the Leggette bit twice and was gone! Equate!

(Enter the Rice Paper Elevationist. The very dead branches crack loudly on the ground, as he jumps at the bark of a tree)

THE RICE PAPER ELEVATIONIST: (sings)
When the dead leaves of autumn
Awake to the sound
Of the echoing bark of the trees
And the moonlight burns holes
In the black wildground,
The fish will escape from the sea
And swim through the darkness
In shoals with the clouds
Like mirrors of glistening slime.
(spoken) Have we worn one-way mirror suits, in the seaweed joke lagoon for seni-boppers? Let's cut our air-tubes and sail away to the land of Mesh-Covered Leonardo Pigs, where breath is hung on meat-hooks.

(Enter Mr Yea Heavy And A Bottle Of Chrysanthe-Auntie Esq, Bitumen Wet Inaugurator, Sizable Groat The Octotree, The Evolutionary Radiator, Easily Insulted The Mucus Machine, Echidnoid Michael, The Mastercake and Marston Moore)

MR YEA HEAVY AND A BOTTLE OF CHRYSANTHE-AUNTIE ESQ: (kneeling down) Don't look! It's a burning clavichord!... Crover... stormy... split "C"... but when I say the record player, I chicken the marina!

BITUMEN WET INAUGURATOR: Okay lads! Break it up! You can't leave a ferro-concrete doll in the road! I'll have to take your names and trousers down and knit woolies with your moral fibres!

(Exit The Rice Paper Elevationist, pursued by sundry moles)

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: It is a...

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: Only a fool with a whistle would agree to be put in a bag and injected into the brain of a space polar bear! Jimmy's little piebald unionist won't acknowledge village-shreds!

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: Come on then! Melt!

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: Thrust waxen pence into Martin's jeans... After a Vulgain guest, came our Entered Fishes' Deanscapes! Attune, Least Parabune!

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: Creaky butane! Wrestle with an issue, poke it in the eye!

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: Stuff horsehair kedgeree up its vest!

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: And meet it with concern!

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: Vole-O-Meter! Regulation papier monkeyburger!

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: May I have one more go on your Solitaire machine? Or must I pronounce 'Thrall Geels' at each September?

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: Must I be arrested for driving under the influence of Rabelais?

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: Erlichman pancake... Co-Rannist anguish, panic on a White House lawn... Make rusting bicycles out of pasta on a Towser Cone footpath...

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: The knitting is infinite... Do you drive?

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: Like the meat football!

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: Like the concrete aunt?

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: Like the footstowel you energize with baby rabbits?

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: L'écologize?

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: Sincerity with mercury oozing at the joints...

(Enter Dasst Dash the Gongo Fulmar and the Moat of Keys Baas)

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: Dasst Dash the Gongo Fulmar? And The Moat of Keys Baas?

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: Blameless detritus! Your mind is like a coiled jelly!

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: Your mind is a bleeding coat!

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: Mother! Mother! He's inventing my lungs!

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: He's accepting my Altar Cobor!

(Exit Dasst Dash the Gongo Fulmar and the Moat of Keys Baas)

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: He's interiorizing my furniture!

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: He's a furry chintz killer... a farmer's mud Doo-Wah craze...

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: A believable death...

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: ...And a summer-sinking spar!

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: A free selection of ministers on the House of Commons menu!

THE EVOLUTIONARY RADIATOR: An administrator with a veil of craws!

SIZABLE GROAT THE OCTOTREE: A maiden with deep-seated ogre fenestrations!

EASILY INSULTED THE MUCUS MACHINE: "Unarmed-combat sandwiches for the weight of a wet footful of sliced crane," quoth Theodorus, feeling like a tank for the Lost Legs Office. Sellotape is the meat of love! Can I kill the pain in your meteorologist with a golden splinter, before the centi-muriel?

(Enter A Man with a Tina-Bin)

A MAN WITH A TINA-BIN: My lords, ladies and freeform mutants, it is with great pleasure that I unbolt this Tina-Bin! Thermilo and the Rugger Zube maintain a familiar four-tress... although it's as slack as the Ace of Blades in a hormone pigeon, but while a what? Who crates the bales by numbers, these days, anyway?... Come quick, Lee, come quick, Lee! Down at the drugstore, they're developing plague boils for charity!

(Exit Man, his Tina-Bin now containing The Evolutionary Radiator and Sizable Groat The Octotree)

ECHIDNOID MICHAEL: I'm going to take you on a marine adventure through the palatial bronchi-scapes of my lungs... See micro-organisations chunder out Euripides' Quotient... See Mrs Barton ride robins' eggs through a myriad of ever-growing colours... See aircraft crash into pretend Atlantics of mercury... See your arteries sewn into beautiful cowboy shirts...

THE MASTERCAKE: Don't! Ten-twenty-five on the lion-tamer in the mirror... I've got a naked bone in my suicide attempt on Thursday afternoon... We are the polythene generation...

OMNES: Oooooooo-woooooh!

THE MASTERCAKE: ...on Toasting Sunday!

MARSTON MOORE: Would you like a potato wrist, Mastercake? They fell off the back of a giant, but Tables-Noirs incessantly release Billy Bremnerhaven soliloquies!

(Belly Zipfly Of The Apes enters from the discarded cooling-jacket)

BELLY ZIPFLY OF THE APES: Do you want to donate your Christmas tree to Foxfam? Who's an ab-daptor with rubber walnuts, on a journey to Doctor Flange's remote Cheltenham? Here comes the Cabinet of Doctor Cobblyari! This is an... No! Colgate is greasy kids' stuff! Electorate in my soup!

(Exit Belly Zipfly Of The Apes in shame. Enter The Gray World Buffalo and Garry The Eland, suspended from the ceiling a-la Peter Pan)

THE GRAY WORLD BUFFALO: I do not want anything that cannot hold its own or shout "Whorl!"... Margaret researchers give my people pains in the genes... And you wonder why we are violent to the point of delirious auto-destruction?

GARRY THE ELAND: Elate the cigarette album! Be self-ejaculating by the violet crane... Your elegibility is not diminished, by rubbing Sinex the Zebracolt into yonder split choccy-bar in the sand. I'm a soggy grey antelope, before 6pm and at weekends.

(The Narrator appears in a cloud of blue and asks the cast to face west and to request the setting sun to buy an ice-lolly)

THE GRAY WORLD BUFFALO: I do not want anything that wipes wooden balloons, or cries on Tunesday! I do not like blancmange farmers in girder sauce!

THE NARRATOR: (cleaning bits of blue cloud out of his beard) Finally, a ricketty marine will demonstrate "Sew Yourself Together"... My face! My face! My face is on holiday in Whitehaven!... And that's all the oralists, in this week's "Cone Demolished Across My Face With A Wet Scientist". Shed your oatmealiest, until next week, tuna fans!

(Enter Glango the Shrapnel-Burger, Cloakboy, Some Drakes, Wrongo, King Naso, The Folding Chicken, Red Greenson, Boo Boo the Envelope, Wild Desmond, Lench Thrippahench, Pope Gregory, Crylex the Hillman, The Forgotten Rung, horse Linctus, Scrilt Logan, Schooner Jim, Thumbs Claggamilk, Trum Corbett, Crowson the Draining Board, Fatso Thin, Dink Skytrousers, Blimbo the Canadian, Robbo Spipes, Blue On Pale Yellow and Zykooz Zilk T'Zah Abka Futcuk Junior the Wonder Fish.)

GLANGO THE SHRAPNEL-BURGER: Let's roll out the guests and eat them, dipped in Panacea sauce!

CLOAKBOY: Before the polites arrive? Is a methane bombardier suitable for soup? Three Treens in an asteroid's dream... Twiglight is stretched like a bullfrog across the sky...

SOME DRAKES: If you come one step closer, I'll detonate the H-bomb in my Kessawhite-Kessawhite Gritna-Gritna Grnid Pola-Subuloteo Fog Narkitty Diddle Dit Braze Satchel!

WRONGO: Sabrinio Aye-Oh! Dare to stagger the rubber muffins in the polyherons? Do I mean 'rubbler' or 'stabble' on my shin? It's the Queen of the Stunt-Grunts!

KING NASO: It's the Purple Weapon of Decadence, dancing diesel 'round a talcum powder pole. Come and slavic my detergents, Mary Glitter!

THE FOLDING CHICKEN: Keep the meanings in a cage! We look through diffracting eyes, imposing beauty on the everyday facts of objects... Perfect peace through Dr Foctor's Luminous Porridge Treatment! The sun shines out of your encyclopaedia... He smiled cheaply and eroded rapidly...

RED GREENSON: 'E rapidly roded, eh? Cost of devil suits!

BOO BOO THE ENVELOPE: A song of Old Trouser Polish wafts through the fragrant Disco... Old Trouser Polish croons 'Wet Knives'...

WILD DESMOND: Sorbo-Rubber Walruses bay at the aging booth and small llamas queue for pyramid soup... Dunk quails, you purist! Equate rubbishes, you nominal charge!

LENCH THRIPPAHENCH: Equate with send-ups of popular animals! Anti-pubic biscuit babes came Elastoplast, tie-pins attain average height with a biscuit of light. Subterranean Crunchies drink armchairs!

GLANGO THE SHRAPNEL-BURGER: (a picture of excrement) Elaboration Stanley has a cute brick of horsehair ice-cream! He's a tuned-down lianah, a ricketty bottle, crashing in time with the Queen of the Bomb.

CLOAKBOY: The Joke Tribunal slits the coloured throats... Each dot in the air touches eternal Second Avenue hazelnuts...

SOME DRAKES: Brace yourselves! We're going into a meringue warp! Fudge flies past in a haze of purple and yellow caravans... Your eyes cannot register at the Deep Space YMCA, your ears perch on the side of your head like an archaeopteryx on a hatrack...

KING NASO: Phone Maria Simpson!

THE FOLDING CHICKEN: Reverse the charges and ask for 'Chinese Bracket Blues'! The coast leaves for the coast and the trees take to the woods!

RED GREENSON: Come on, you Cosmic Blacksmith! Let the semen roll like Atlantic breakers on the Wall of Death called Doreen!

BOO BOO THE ENVELOPE: Do the Changing Of The Guard Jive... Or for those of you with pits in your eyes, don't be drawn, catch a drain in an illegal practice... Lean over and stuff your Auntie down a python!

WILD DESMOND: (Curv-ed voice of acute disdain) Rape the wooden boat!

LENCH THRIPPAHENCH: Surgical money in a cock-eyed purse!

(Enter The Remainder of Mink)

THE REMAINDER OF MINK: Ah call this poem 'Easy', cos that's what ah am!
It's easy wrestlin' gators,
It's easy fightin' bears,
It's easy layin' women
Or carpets on the stairs.
It's easy drinkin' whisky
An' it's easy throwin' up.
It's easy spittin' at the world
Or beatin' up a cop!
Yeah! Life's easy when yer happy, heh heh heh!
Like a haemorrhoid in a parcel,
Like psoriasis on a mouse
Or the feelin' yah get
When you've found a pubic louse!
When the goin' gets weird, the weird get goin'!
(sings) A tame centipede, a tame centipede,
He'll never let yah down!
He's honest an' faithful
Right up t'the end,
That wonderful wonderful
One Two Three
Four Five Six
Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve... (continues under)

GLANGO THE SHRAPNEL-BURGER: Slave lozenges cough and pour cold sago over a lemur with behaviour. Little old men sail rocks through the gates of Warner Brothers, with flights of expanding cellophane saying 'Thank you' to absentee guitarists. Pillars of insanity install an ocean. Relativity is infectious... PT Upside Down!

CLOAKBOY: Germaine's heathen butler lets in the Black Stars... which walk dogs, like toenails in a cup. Rainbow Lions wander down Exaggeration Highways, chewing chillies and risking reindeer...

SOME DRAKES: Cone the white wit, strange foculine Carol! The Chubby of the Exchequer took out his eyes, to see the inside of the bean tin clearly...

WRONGO: Straw mats!

THE FOLDING CHICKEN:(reading from 'Stores In The Wind') 'Vicious lunge to the jaw for sale - Buyer connects.'

KING NASO: Pour Tequila over your shoulders, pat phostrogen into your hair, pull surprises on your jacket and part your trousers at the bottom...

(A little baby cami-lion is trapped in a pipe and he doesn't know what to do. Quintessential Ptarmigan bites his larynx, buys a house, eats the cami-lion, wets on a dandelion, starts out for Birmingham, ricks his nose, quotes Chopin on the bus, likes licorice, tears out stomachs and writes cut-glass memorandums)

RED GREENSON: Like the Battle of Waterloo on a divan bed, Coventry sniffs an aubretia.

BOO BOO THE ENVELOPE:(like Jerry Wilder in a spin-dryer) Your face runs upwards!

WILD DESMOND: Elephant spines in Mayor Neigh's... Spinal Cardboard forks ghee!

LENCH THRIPPAHENCH:(singing like Warm Stenchcoat)
One Two! Greebo The Gander!
Three Four! With an electric sander!
Five Six! Corbel my windows!
Seven Eight! Elucidate!

GLANGO THE SHRAPNEL-BURGER: Wet emus without feathers in your underwear!

(Enter Phandra, Clitumnostril, Bambirion and Motosloth)

CLOAKBOY: Once upon a road, there lived a golden magician who enjoyed Bantu Pit drillers...

SOME DRAKES: The Wet Musician of Failure struts dejectedly, upside-down in a fishpool!

THE REMAINDER OF MINK: (finishes his song)
...Ninety Six, Ninety Seven,
Ninety Eight, Ninety Nine,
One Hundred-Legged Friend!

(Exit The Remainder of Mink)

WRONGO: Statuesque barbed-wire crones run successful guide-boats in a waterproof spaceship!

KING NASO: Ultimate!

(Exit Phandra, Clitumnostril, Bambirion and Motosloth)

GLANGO THE SHRAPNEL-BURGER: Absinthe drunk from a hollow pope... The universal Teminks-Godzilla opener... It's under the counter and it's for you!

CLOAKBOY: A fifty-watt chicken lamp emits beams of slick olive-green pleasure, curdling minds in a falling rain of Royal Dragees... Baked Elijah, sign the Timeoids, bail for the shining kiss-guard... and this is Symbyl the Oakmeal, signing offal for Floyd's Cucumburumdum...

SOME DRAKES: Page three, column eight of the Dictionary of Excess Footage... Quote... 'Don't lose your third mouth in the afters of a Fantis...' Rather that than they insert buckets of silly-cudgel into jet buggers!
WRONGO: Asquamoto! I'm going to slit on my sleet! Three Lapps met four laps... I'll take my shoes off... Be warned! There might be an explosion!

RED GREENSON: ESP in a bag of seals! Paul Maring in a semolina swimsuit!

BOO BOO THE ENVELOPE: Derelict cars pile skyward, stuck together with chewed Dentine, as if the Queen's swans had Everest necks and beak-wipers... Remember! You only see one-ninth of Toulouse-Lautrec above the surface...

KING NASO: Behold the man with a barometer-boggler in a moment's unrest!

WILD DESMOND: Yesterday, I went to see my Auntie Glac&#233: at the sewage plant... I didn't have a cup of tea!

THE FOLDING CHICKEN: Have caught flu... saw Quorndam on the bus to work... he card a blue-out with his mind...

BOO BOO THE ENVELOPE: I see cattle glazing, in a field of Waterford cut-glass kale.

KING NASO: I see aircraft carriers singing in Charing Cross Road, trying to earn the price of a Commander and a sandwich...

WILD DESMOND: I see Sonny and Cher riding on a borrowed unicycle, into the space where Ned Sheridan was...

THE FOLDING CHICKEN: (singing 'Folk'-style)
Come gather round the old camp pyre,
All ye gangs of poets in 'para' Keats uniforms!

LENCH THRIPPAHENCH: Flying along, the Aggronaut ode-thrad the Geem-Bobo... The Cram-Nyo beeped on Brybydanteem... Ho ho! To the Geenithrous Warble Mowse!

POPE GREGORY:(screaming) Melt like the Carnegie Library is in your lung!

CRYLEX THE HILLMAN: All over... all under! Sign 'Cocoa-Cola!'

THE FORGOTTEN RUNG: Stew due in the last past! Cat singing in a burst emu! Horse strolling in the mall? Fragmentis the Crossed Domestic Creature, Roo MacAlinden and the Poker People step into the sand cupboard and whistle up the Genie with the light-brown saxophone instead of a head.

HORSE LINCTUS: Jupiter is just a glass decal of red pursuants!

SCRILT LOGAN: He arrived... She arrived... They came... isn't always the same!

SCHOONER JIM: Firmest seal-strummer over three pages of stripy cheese equilibrium!

THUMBS CLAGGAMILK: ...And being sworded at a thousand blue attitudes?

TRUM CORBETT: Gretna Garbo...?

CROWSON THE DRAINING BOARD: Mary, the youngest of four girls, crawled to the television and smashed the screen with her Tonka Wetting Baby Doll... Verdict: Viewicide, whilst her mind was unbalanced... and she was only two years old...

FATSO THIN: Spiders pressed for eternity between two volumes of smoke!

DINK SKYTROUSERS: Painted wood! A crude totem in the depths of space... drill me full of Poles!

BLIMBO THE CANADIAN: Can he raise radiators in a perpendicular radish, to become a mortal bat of sails?

ROBBO SPIPES: But it's alright, it's only an asteroid's adauntulator sliding down the universe!

BLUE ON PALE YELLOW: Buy barbed wire braces!

ZYKOOZ ZILK T'ZAH ABKA FUTCUK JUNIOR THE WONDER FISH: Cattle graze at my pectorals, sensually sweeping taxi-drivers out of my armpits!

BOO BOO THE ENVELOPE: Bury all my shares in the air mine!

KING NASO: I've had enough applecrabs to last for a laughtime!

(The whole population of Arundel enters, then leaves again)

WILD DESMOND: Oh! So it's languid blue Afghan hounds now, is it? You never told me Mangrove Taylor was a calmonaut!

THE FOLDING CHICKEN: Assume a false identity... Ring the tight changes on an exhibitionist... Do what you always dreamed of doing to Mickey Mouse...

LENCH THRIPPAHENCH: Now that you know Latin, how's that going to help you excavate pigs?

POPE GREGORY: (through megaphone) Will the owner of the red dwarf star, registration number WOLF 29, please remove it at once, as it is blocking the Milky Way... Jenny Thompson, please report to the information tent, your helium cannisters have arrived... And now welcome warmly, please, The Constellation of Aries & The Fish!

CRYLEX THE HILLMAN: Quail in an aquarium!

THE FORGOTTEN RUNG: Let it ruck!

HORSE LINCTUS: Sign Swanson in Scumberland, tie twelve testy vestibules in an echo! There's gonna be a luke-warm time in the old town tonight, so we'll paint the town pink and get pissed out of our bladders!

SCRILT LOGAN: As the Bishop said to the mattress, 'Let bleeping frogs cry!'

(Enter Mrs McVitie, who starts to hoover the 'library' - She mutters to herself as she does so)

MRS McVITIE: I think I'll cook Slugs In Men's Toilet for lunch... Oh well... I s'pose that's progress... It really is worthwhile being mild-mannered Mrs McVitie... it's been ages since I had to save the universe... and nobody knows that I am also Wonder Wench, Mrs Lorraine McVest!... Here! There's a lump of grease upon the fridge...

(FX: Loads of scary multitracked pre-recorded voices, all going 'Fiddley Tern! Waddley Poon! Fiddley Tern! Waddley Poon!'. This is supposed to be what an alien space ship sounds like)

MRS McVITIE: Erg! I thought I heard an alien space module!

(FX: 'Fiddley Tern! Waddley Poon! Fiddley Tern! Waddley Poon!'.
Enter some fake-looking pantomime aliens, to recite their credo)

FAKE-LOOKING PANTOMIME ALIENS:(chanting)
We're Deviants from Outer Space,
We don't care what you say!
'Cos we're coming down to planet Earth,
To take your beans away!

(FX: 'Fiddley Tern! Waddley Poon! Fiddley Tern! Waddley Poon!')

FAKE-LOOKING PANTOMIME ALIENS: (singing)
There's a lump of grease
Upon the fridge!
Upon the fridge!
Upon the fridge!
Upon the fridge!
Upon the fridge!
Upon the fridge!
Upon the fridge!

(FX: 'Fiddley Tern! Waddley Poon! Fiddley Tern! Waddley Poon!')

MRS McVITIE: That sounds like the dreaded Deviants from Outer Space! Still it doesn't! Still it doesn't! Still it doesn't! I dreamt about snakes last night... dozens of them... leering at me from the top of the wardrobe... and I was naked, apart from a string of yoghurt cartons, strung around me neck...

SCHOONER JIM: Snail in a trusting vessle of ears, snock toe-longston by the wardrobe!

THUMBS CLAGGAMILK: Break up the fam-earily? Who sees quite-green squealers?

TRUM CORBETT: Who eats tennis shoes in the dead of night?

MRS McVITIE: It's bloody weird... bloody uncanny!

CROWSON THE DRAINING BOARD: Who sold Melinda to Austropithicanthus, the missing link twixt man and fish?

FATSO THIN: When will this terrible bank hold-up come out of my nervous system, splattered across the road like a dead chequebook?

DINK SKYTROUSERS: In Northern towns, we throw Murraymints into snobbish poodles' fur, so as to make them sticky and repulsive. People say we are fanatics, but we only react at club meetings. When dogs are nationalised and only Jack Russells are legal, we will disappear into the Barnsley night like velvet storage heaters. Einstein's Law of Negativity states that 'Nah mate! It'll never happen!

MRS McVITIE: It's bloody weird... bloody uncanny!

BLIMBO THE CANADIAN: I am in a room, about ten miles square and three feet high, though the walls are much taller...

ROBBO SPIPES: (sings)
Walk tall, walk tall!
Walk straight! Walk straight!
And throw your grandma in the moat!
Jackson on the klaxon
Sunny brown mellows
On gold for your Esperanto stomach!

BLUE ON PALE YELLOW: Bleed, Marina, bleed! Bleed jelly in an in-quell!

ZYKOOZ ZILK T'ZAH ABKA FUTCUK JUNIOR THE WONDER FISH: You are entangled in an ocean of gossamer sod-webs. Only the Greek god of umbrellas can save you. Do you hide under the nearest island? Do you play with pretend cucumbers? No! Not you, you just cover the Dulux dog with Dulux and get arrested in Sans Bernadino!

LENCH THRIPPAHENCH: Change spleens! It's an Xmas party in a vacuum! See how she grumps and binds!

POPE GREGORY: Unnatural deeds in an accordion-patch! 'Chamois' is French for 'my house'...

CRYLEX THE HILLMAN: Soak in an Aspro, quell a crane with a pillow of water!

THE FORGOTTEN RUNG: Stretch Ecstacy to make a hum-drumskin...

THUMBS CLAGGAMILK: Tay-G'You-Later, Integrator!

SCHOONER JIM: Innermile, Aguaphile!

THUMBS CLAGGAMILK: So long is the drain to an oilfish, to cure all your eels...

MRS McVITIE: It's bloody weird... bloody uncanny!

TRUM CORBETT: Dynamite in a dream sequence, Tagars in a mole full of barns!

(Exeunt Omnes -I've always wanted to say that! - Enter Pigeons The Pigbird, Evilin The Witch, The Twinkle-Toed Sloth, Crater Manchester, Lydia Binns, Slow Toaster The Pointless Domestic Appliance, Chocolate Eclipse, Ars Longa Beta Bideomax, The Unravelling Tan Girls, Andrea Strugnallpippatreen and Jack 'Childmo' Lester - They do nothing.)